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The Tongva Times

The Tongva Times

The Tongva Times

Zombie survival guide

    By Leslie Lim

    Staff Writer

      How to: Run

      Make sure to have heels on. I know I wouldn’t want zombies to catch me looking not glam. How atrocious. Stilettos are preferred, but anything over two inches works. Form is key. Strut that stuff, put on a show for those undead. Undead does not mean uncute, so make sure to look fly while saying goodbye.

      How to: Locate one’s friends

    It’s totes annoying being unable to find friends during the Zombie Apocalypse. Like wow, what an inconvenience. But, there are so many ways to find them. First, scream. Scream their name as loud as possible, it’ll let them know someone is looking for them and maybe they’ll scream back too. But my personal favorite is to use flares. What better way to signal friends than a bright, red rocket.

      How to: Hide

      Hiding is the best way to solve any issue. I mean, I hide from my problems all the time. That’s why when the Zombie apocalypse began, I locked myself in my room and watched T.V. Who knew that watching all of the High School Musicals would be such a great use of time, Sharpay will forever be my idol. What I recommend is to board up a house, and never go out again. Make that can of beans last.

      How to: Maintain social media

      Social media is still important even when zombies are slowly hunting everyone down. Instagram everything in order to prove how, even as the world is coming to an end, that their life still sucks. So, perk up that hair, and make those pearly whites shine. Queen of Social Media before and after the Zombie Apocalypse, don’t let the end of the world change that.

      How to: Stay hygienic

      Ok, so like Zombies are totally gross. No matter how cute that boyfriend once was, rotting flesh is never hygienic. So, keep clean. No one wants to be like those girls in zombie movies with oily hair and grimy nails. So shower every day and wash that hair every other. We’re all going to die, so at least die cute.

      How to: Fight

      Fighting is never cute, be a pacifist.

      So make sure to use these tips. Thrive not survive.


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