10. Eat healthier. This one is unhappy people’s answer to the paradox that has plagued mankind for centuries; life is too short to avoid fries, but avoiding fries will prolong one’s life. Profound, I know.

9. Start a niche hobby. Make candy, learn to identify plants, collect bugs, why not?

8. Order every drink on the Starbucks menu. Pledge allegiance to the flag of Starbucks Corporation of America, and to the capitalism for which it stands, one coffeehouse, under Howard Shultz, indivisible, with frappes and refreshers for all.

7. Get a new nickname. It’s 2024, people should stop being defined by a label that their parents and the government gave them. There are 170,000 words in the English language, choose one and own it.

6. Stop being repetitive. Stop being repetitive.

5. Learn to say lies with a straight face. AP Tests start tomorrow.

4. Try all the free samples at Costco. Costco, the wholesale master of the world, understands that the only thing better than being rich is getting something for free.

3. Put googly eyes everywhere until someone notices. It’s seven in the morning, and the classroom is empty. A teacher turns the lights on… and all their markers are staring at them.

2. Frolick more. Child-like wonder lives within all of us. Revive it by riding a pony, running through a field, and replacing walking with skipping.

1. Go bald. Life is fleeting, and so is hair. Learn not to take it for granted by joining the ranks of icons like The Rock, Mahatma Gandhi, and Philip Zamora.